Our exchange about my relationship with your half-brother and sister has gotten a bit more “serious” than I have expected at first, and so it is time for me to turn a bit more serious, as well. I truly appreciate what you are saying, though. I also appreciate that you are saying it without any bitterness and with much love. Most important, I find your picture of me both coherent and plausible, which is why I will reiterate it to the best of my ability before I respond in the same spirit.

You see me as rock hard and unbending. That is, Spock-like. In my mind, having children is not worth my freedom. My book is my freedom, and I could not care less if words in it torment my children or my ex-wives. My book is the bible I live by, even if it means losing my children. There is no-one I wish to depend on other than myself. This much you have actually learned from me, which is possibly why you are not in a relationship. Perhaps the only way your half-brother and sister will ever learn about me is by reading my book, but this I leave to them.

You also see me as having a lot of pride at this stage of my life. Like a monk, I have rid myself from all relationships and human ties. Still, I will never reach the final stage of absolution and start living on alms. As you put it, I have a bit too much pride for that, but you are happy about all this, for you would otherwise worry about my health and welfare. You see me as a brilliant, truly awesome and unique human, as well as a genius. As such I could provide so much joy to many people, and yet the people close to me have had to suffer. This sad irony is perhaps often found in the annals of history, you add. Ultimately, I may well succeed, and my book may indeed outlive me. As you put it, what are a few family members by comparison with such a lofty goal? In my mind, this must be a sacrifice well worth making.

Again, you put all this in words with much love. You are not heartbroken on account of all of the above, which you have figured out way back. All you want to do at this stage is to let me know that you get it. And for this I thank you with much love. Although a bit concerned, I am not heartbroken on account of your assessment. All I would like to do at the moment is give you a slightly different picture of myself, and one I believe is much closer to reality.

Now, I did try my best to be a good father both to you and to your half-brother and sister. The way I see it, this turned out to be pretty difficult mainly because of my troubles with my ex-wives. In a different world, one built on the extended family or clan rather than the so-called nuclear family, this would not be so difficult to achieve. I would stay close to the three of you no matter what would happen with my ex-wives and me. Alas, such a world has disappeared several generations ago. That is a great pity, too. I should add here that the American model of fatherhood has never appealed to me. In fact, I have always found it repelling. In that sense I have certainly erred with you and your half-brother and sister.

Turning to my book, you are surely correct when you say that it is central to my life. But I am not concerned with readers and worldly success. Although I do have a dream of getting in touch with a few people like me that must be living at present, the main aim of my book is to assist me in my own development. As I like to say, it serves me to make myself. This is why my book is occasionally hard on those who are, or used to be, close to me. I should add that I do my best not to hurt anyone I know by writing things that could get them in any sort of trouble. I often boast that most, if not all, of my secrets are those of people who are, or used to be, close to me.

Concerning pride, I can tell you that I do not suffer from it. If there are any traces of it, I smother them as quickly and decisively as I can. My one and only goal in life is enlightenment. This is why I pursue my own teaching of yoga with all my heart. I also buttress it with my own teaching of Buddhism. Everything I do is stripped from all the religious crap that has accrued to both yoga and Buddhism over the millennia. Given that enlightenment is not a family affair, I am perhaps a bit too aloof from the vantage point of the American model of family, but that is all.

I hope that you will find all of the above as both coherent and plausible. If that is not the case, please let me know. It would be wonderful if you would understand me a bit better. Even though the portrait of me that you have painted is most likely shared by a number of people who know me well, I beg to differ. This is why this letter will end up in my book. Perhaps it will help some people understand me better, but it will certainly help me understand myself better. This is why I would like to thank you with much love for your words.

Addendum (May 10, 2014)

In hindsight, my beloved is conspicuously missing from this account of my life. Although the exchange with my No. 1 son was about family and children, my relationship with my beloved still deserves an entire paragraph, and a hefty one. She is the greatest love of my life. More, I adore her. Again, enlightenment for two is not in the books, but we are still partners on the road. Our partnership is so much stronger precisely because we do not have any children, too. I occasionally feel guilty for not having at least one with her, but I am also convinced that the time is not right for bringing yet another life to this tormented planet. The death toll I expect this century will be horrendous. Anyhow, this is the missing paragraph from yesterday’s letter.