For the last year or maybe two, my beloved always buys the same toilet paper for us. Made in Germany, it is soft and thick. Unusually thick, as a matter of fact. We both like it, though. Except that I am quite perplexed by its name: Sanft und Sicher. The first word is straightforward: “soft.” But the second is perplexing even with a trustworthy German dictionary on hand: “safe,” “secure,” “sure,” “right,” or “certain.” What could this possibly mean if not that you can be sure, in the case you are in possession of this particular toilet paper, that your clean fingers will not sink into your dirty asshole? Which is why any word with similar connotations would never make it into the name of an American or British product of this kind. Germanic languages both, English and German are pretty far apart when it comes to the most decorous art of ass-wiping.