The blue envelope with registered mail from the Municipal Court in Pazin that I have long expected has finally arrived in this morning’s mail. Amazingly, the final decision of the Constitutional Court in Zagreb concerning this case was made more than ten months ago, but the court in Pazin is not famous for its speed. Actually, all Croatian courts are famous for their slowness. At any rate, I must pay 26,666 kuna in fifteen days for my insult of the former mayor of Motovun, Slobodan Vugrinec. Currently, the average monthly salary in Croatia is 5,268 kuna, which means that the penalty amounts to a bit more than five average salaries in this godforsaken country. As I like to joke, this is the most expensive cockroach in history. I likened Vugrinec to a cockroach on account of his undemocratic behavior, for he did everything in the dark and behind closed doors, but the metaphor was not accepted by the Croatian courts. A cockroach is a cockroach. Period. Anyhow, this morning I paid 13,500 kuna to the court in Pazin. In a few days, I will pay additional 6,500 kuna, but I will reserve the last payment of 6,666 kuna for the last day allowed by the court. Satan’s fee, to be sure.

Addendum I (October 30, 2015)

It took me a while to remember that the penalty I must pay for my insult of the former mayor of Motovun is only a part of the total expenses involved in this case. In addition, there were fees charged by my two lawyers, as well as various court charges. All told, my expenses amount to 39,724 kuna so far. And this is equal to seven and a half average monthly salaries in Croatia. The most expensive cockroach in history, indeed. Still, I can only hope that my legal battle is now over and that there will be no more expenses to cover. Fingers crossed.

Addendum II (November 3, 2015)

Having already paid the total of 20,000 kuna last month, this morning I paid the last installment of the insult fee. As I expected, it was an enormous joy to make it 6,666 kuna exactly. Which is why I could hardly wait for this day to make this felicitous payment to the court in Pazin. As the fateful day approached, I got ever more jittery about it, too. Now that my legal quagmire of seven full years is squarely behind me at long last, I feel pretty calm. Actually, I feel blissfully peaceful. All that remains for me to do is wait for the decision of the court in Strasbourg. As far as I am concerned, though, that is an entirely different bag of beans. Now I am the plaintiff, and the defendant is this godforsaken country I begrudgingly call my own. Although the eventual penalty fee is of little concern to me at this juncture, it will be far from negligible one fine day. In fact, it will be deliciously ample. Satan’s fee, my ass.

Addendum III (March 20, 2018)

My legal fees have grown considerably by now. Strasbourg is far from cheap, to be sure. For the record, my expenses now amount to 50,484 kuna. Satan’s fee nearly doubled, as it were. I am not complaining, though. The real fee for my insult is not about money; rather, it is about time. An entire decade of my life!