According to Kamasutra, an indubitable authority in things sexual, the correct relationship between the woman’s age (dependent variable, y) and the man’s age (independent variable, x) is given by the following linear expression:

y = 0.5x + 7,

where age is measured in years. For example, a man of forty-two should be paired with a twenty-eight-year old woman. Of course, if we solve the above equation for x, we will get the expression for the correct man’s age from the vantage point of the woman:

x = 2y - 14,

stating that a thirty-year old woman, for instance, should be paired with a man of forty-six. Parenthetically, it is interesting to note that the two partners should be of the same age only at the age of fourteen, which appears to be quite reasonable.

I have been aware of this time-honored rule since puberty, when I first read Kamasutra, which I got from an uncle of mine who had lived in India for a decade or so. Even more important, I have followed this rule, circumstances permitting, ever since I learned about it. An enormous amount of human experience is congealed in it and I have no reason to believe that my case would be very much different. In fact, the above two numerical examples pertain in my case and that of my present partner, respectively, suggesting a fair match.

Now, the old rule could be challenged on many grounds: the value of the two parameters, the linearity inherent in it, etc. Some empirical research in this area would surely be beneficial. But one thing that is quite stunning about the age rule is difficult to question: it implicitly states that partners should be changed quite often. A particular partner can be of correct age for a rather short period of time—ostensibly a year, but strictly speaking only an instant of time. Surprisingly enough, I became aware of this aspect of the rule only recently.

Addendum I (February 10, 1989)

Since two days ago I have a second partner. She is twenty-six. Therefore, the average age of my partners is twenty-eight, exactly as required by Kamasutra. Now I feel very much relieved. Besides, I believe that this—say, statistical—interpretation of the age rule can be conceived of as its creative development.

Addendum II (April 18, 1989)

The merits of my reinterpretation of the age rule notwithstanding, the very notion of enjoying two partners in the same time interval appears outrageous to me now. Of course, this has nothing to do with morals. My love for the “second partner” has quickly reached such proportions that it has become inconceivable to me that I will ever have another partner, let alone two or more partners at a time. In fact, I have already made up my mind on this score: I will never touch another woman! Although the age rule states that she will become too old for me in three years, my love for her has effectively cancelled the rule itself. And this is my final word on this aspect of Kamasutra.

Addendum III (March 19, 1994)

Bonny was my partner’s secretary at MIT. I would see her nearly every day for several years. I found her somewhat attractive, but I kept my distance on account of our professional relationship. One day she ran after me after work as I was walking down the steps of MIT on Massachusetts Avenue and told me hurriedly that she had to talk to me as soon as possible. She was all flushed, excited, embarrassed. From the few incoherent words she told me at the time it was clear that she was interested in me, but there was something else to her predicament. We agreed to go out for dinner and talk.

It turned out that she had been dreaming about me practically every night for a month or so and that we had become so intimate in her dreams that she could not endure any longer the difference between our behavior in her dreams and her waking hours. In particular, she told me that our lovemaking was so fantastic that she could not talk to me straight in the morning, when I would bring her a piece of my business with my partner. We ended up by agreeing that her dreams would most likely go away now that she had shared them with me. She appeared to be satisfied with this piece of kitchen-sink psychology.

However, it soon became clear that it was only a matter of time before we would end up in each other’s arms. She would undress me with her eyes every time I would come to see my partner, and I started having embarrassing erections every time I would see her in the corridors of MIT. At length, we went out for another dinner, which we cut rather short in anticipation of better things that awaited us in my apartment.

Although Bonny kept pestering me about marriage as soon as we made love for the first time, I endured this misery for a while because it was truly wonderful to make love to her. I would sit cross-legged on the floor and she would sit in my lap facing me. Light and nimble, she felt good on my erect prick. This was somewhat similar to the way I used to fuck Vesna insofar as Bonny and I had perfect contact and free hands. According to Bonny, I had found her “G spot,” apparently popular with American middle-class women and their professional advisers. She kept insisting that our lovemaking was precisely the way she had dreamt of it. Every time we would be together she would come uncounted times, which gave me all the motivation I needed to fuck her as long as she could endure it.

After a few blissful encounters in my apartment Bonny would become so excited whenever she would come to spend a night with me that she was unable to wait for me to put on a condom, which had become obligatory by that time on account of AIDS. Especially if I would touch her nipples before I was ready to enter her, she would become so excited that she would practically rape me, making it difficult for me to put on the slippery condom before she would impale herself and start grinding her cunt against me. I soon learned not to fool around with her nipples in vain.

Looking back, Bonny’s passion was most exciting. Even today, five years and a great love later, I feel charged by the memory of Bonny’s delight in fucking. There must be a passage in the old Kamasutra to the effect that there is no better aphrodisiac than woman’s passion.

Addendum IV (March 21, 1994)

I was with Bonny for the last time the evening after my first night with Lauren. I was very much in love with Lauren, but I had a date with Bonny and I had to find a way of breaking up with her. After much discussion, Lauren did accept my argument that I had to see Bonny one more time to clear the deck. As soon as Bonny came to my place that evening, I started telling her that I had enough of her pestering about marriage and that I wanted us to split up. I did not have the courage to tell her about Lauren, though. Bonny was horrified at the prospect of splitting up. She did admit that she was a bit crazed about getting married, but begged me not to be so cruel as to leave her. Our lovemaking was too good to be abandoned, she pleaded. We haggled in vain for hours and then we went to bed. I told her that I did not want to make love to her, but we were naked together in the same narrow bed. This is how we had always slept together, and I could not suddenly turn prudish on her. She ended up crying herself to sleep, but she first made every attempt to seduce me. She was all over me for an hour or so, begging me to make love to her. At some point I had to make her believe I was really angry with her so as to able to turn away and hide a pretty erection. Having promised to Lauren that I would not touch Bonny ever again, I had to keep my word. I do not regret my promise, nor my refusal to break it, but the old erection is now coming back. Bonny was an amazingly good fuck.

Addendum V (September 28, 1994)

Never say never.