Love springs from strange quarters, when and whence one suspects it the least. The travesty of bureaucratized life only accentuates the longing for complete abandonment, perhaps somewhat hesitant at the outset, and it sharpens, by fits and starts, the boundaries of the vacuum left by the beloved already forgotten. The vacuum is always lurking, but is most of the time left unheeded. The wound identified, suddenly, one looks around but briefly: behold, the woman who walks in unprepared and unheralded, although not necessarily unwanted, fills the void and expands it without limit. Yes, there follows quiet bliss, for love has been regained, and there follows some humming in the dark, as though everything is fine once again, but all the paths of recovery are nonetheless marred by a premonition that the beloved had been picked at random, for no identifiable reason—except for the void that was already there, from time immemorial. Love is a faint rebellion. Too faint, too.

Addendum I (November 10, 1986)

The title of this piece is entirely arbitrary, of course. In hindsight, the following titles would have been less inappropriate: Beth, Kathy, Anne, Vesna, Claudia, Meta… The unbounded character of this list is revealing, albeit hardly surprising. Perhaps the appropriate title for this piece should be the expanding list itself—incomplete as it is bound to remain for a while longer. Strangely enough, this idea gives me immense pleasure!

Addendum II (March 18, 1994)

In the winter of 1986 I went to Columbus, Ohio, for the annual North American Meeting of the Regional Science Association. I was invited to give a paper at a session dedicated to the fiftieth anniversary of Wassily Leontief’s paper on input-output analysis and the thirty-fifth anniversary of Walter Isard’s paper on regional input-output models.

This was enticing enough, but I was also attracted by the invitation of an ex-colleague of mine from Ljubljana, who was living in Columbus at the time. Her name was Meta. Unfortunately, she told me, her husband would be away at the time, but this would give me more space in their small home over the three nights of my visit. The way she sounded on the phone when we made all the arrangements was very promising, indeed, as witnessed by the previous addendum.

When we finally met at the airport, I was a bit disappointed because I remembered her as considerably slimmer and trimmer. After a few hours in Meta’s home my appetite came back, though. That evening she threw a little party for me. Exhausted, we went to sleep after a friendly kiss on the cheek. The next evening the two of us went out for dinner with an ex-girlfriend of mine, who had been living in Columbus at the time, as well. The two of them were quite friendly with each other, and we had a great time together.

A while after Meta and I returned home, I took her by the hand and pulled her to my bed. After a few quick kisses we took off our clothes, and she led me to her bed, explaining that it was much larger and more comfortable than mine. She was so very eager that it was more than clear that she had no compunctions whatsoever about the whole affair. It appeared that cheating her husband was a routine thing with her. In fact, from the very moment I reached for her hand she took over and showed me the way.

As soon as she guided me in and made sure she was properly lubricated, she spread her legs as wide as she could, she arched her back and raised her pelvis, thus propping me up on my knees, she grabbed my thighs, and then she proceeded to bang and rub herself against me with such force and vigor that I started worrying about my endurance over that night and the next. The muscles I remembered admiring from the corner of my eye in the old days came to the fore at last. The first night I acquitted myself admirably, but the second night I was on the verge of throwing in the towel and declaring a headache. However, Meta fucked me hard once again. The funny thing about this brief visit to Columbus, Ohio, is that neither of us has subsequently made any attempt to get in touch with the other.

Addendum III (March 29, 2000)

Beth, Kathy, Anne, Vesna, Claudia, Meta… It is so strange to read these names today, so many years later. The memory of the women who enchanted me in the past is fading. Their names are fading, too. I find myself ever-more feverishly clinging to their names, especially if nothing had ever happened between us. Last night I dreamt of Anne, and even in my dream I was preoccupied by her last name, which I have long forgotten. It was a slightly odd Jewish name, and her face had some Sephardic features, too. There was a spark between us, but I would not make a move because I was teaching in the same department where she was a student. In other words, I left the first move to her, but she never plucked up her courage to make it. Fifteen years later, I am still sorry she had not. I would not be surprised to learn one day that she has shared this sweet regret.

Addendum IV (July 13, 2000)

The ex-girlfriend who joined Meta and me for dinner in Columbus, Ohio, in 1986 was Nada, with whom I had a brief love-affair in 1983 in Sovlje, where my father kept his boat. In fact, his boat is still there, rotting away. Nada and I spent only a week or so together, and then we met once or twice in Belgrade. She would come from Zagreb to spend a night with me. Well, Nada is my woman now. Our love has come back to life through our correspondence over the Internet. Unexpectedly, we became man and woman again. Strangely, I feel that we will stay together for ever. Our love is strong and firm. Nothing can separate us ever again. I am so much in love now, I am so besotted, that I cannot even write coherently. My correspondence with Nada, which has eventually ushered this outburst of feeling, will need to be analysed at some later date. Oh, how hard, hard, hard I would get while reading her messages and writing back to her! Is there any other criterion of love and, indeed, truth?!