Here is a simple question: were I to be granted the fulfillment of a single wish, which would be gratified immediately and without any strings attached, what would that wish be? Although this is not a plausible situation, that is, a situation I am ever likely to face, the question is still of interest to me as a proxy to the question which I actually face: what do I want, given all the impediments I must overcome on the road to the stated goal? The former question apparently contains the kernel of the latter, which is undoubtedly more interesting but also commensurably more intricate.

Before I proceed, I must admit that my question irritates me to the extent that it implies the existence of a being capable both of asking me to specify my wish and fulfilling it without much ado. The first part of this implication is not problematic, as I am clearly a being capable of asking the question. But the second part of the implication is altogether different in nature. The religious undertones of omnipotence are unappealing to me, to say the least. For the time being, I can only say that I have no reason to believe in the existence of such a being. I am therefore fully aware of the rhetorical character of my question.

Back to the question: what do I wish? I wish that I would never lie to myself. This is not the same as wishing that I would know myself. Knowing oneself means knowing everything there is to know. Granted, knowing oneself implies a subjective knowledge of the universe, but that knowledge is still bound to be complete. Under the assumptions I introduced here, this knowledge would also be instantaneous. By comparison, wishing not to lie to oneself implies a learning process, incomplete and laborious, which would by its very nature safeguard one’s place in the human species. I decidedly do not want to stand outside my species, whatever its fate is destined to be. Not lying to myself involves a privileged position, but a privileged position within the historical boundaries I inherited.

Consciously or unconsciously, my wish has turned out to be such that the outlandish character of the hypothetical being implied in the question itself does not really matter. The irritation I have felt about my question consequently vanishes, too. It has been effectively removed by the answer, which is within my reach at least as a possibility. I should add emphatically that I know for certain that I have not contrived my answer to achieve this result, and this is sufficient for me to feel comfortable with both the question and the answer. Simply stated, I had no idea what my answer would be, which was the only condition under which the entire exercise would make any sense.

Addendum I (December 25, 1990)

But that’s what the real lie consists of, that’s the crime: lying to oneself, being in disharmony with one’s own truth, one’s own innermost knowledge of things, as revealed through one’s consciousness. Objectivity, in fact, means just this: to be in harmony with one’s own objectivity, not to lie to oneself.

From Eugene Ionesco’s Fragments of a Journal, London and New York: Quartet Books, 1987 (first published in 1967), p. 140.

Addendum II (November 20, 2019)

My wish that I would never lie to myself is wonderful to revisit on my uncharted journeys through my writings. It goes back to my habit of letting my mind roam at will, as well reporting in writing what I have come across in simplest possible words (“On My Method,” January 5, 1979). Whence my avoidance of every philosophical or any other system, too (“Toward Atomization and Randomization of Thought,” March 31, 1980). Paradoxically, random thought finds by not seeking (“Method and Madness,” March 14, 1981). Amazingly enough, I have stuck to my method over quite a few decades (“Method and Madness Revisited: A Note on My Writing Project,” March 29, 2017). And I have never abandoned random thought over all these years (“Random Thought Revisited,” July 15, 2019). To my joy, my Residua is my witness. And it is available to me entire on the World Wide Web, which allows me to search through my writings without let or hindrance. Indeed, I have done my best never to lie to myself, and the proof is right in front of my eyes. Alleluia!