It is general knowledge that the CXLVIII Supreme Congress was dedicated to a problem of considerable difficulty, which has escaped the full attention of the Party for a couple of decades, although it has been discussed in the Party press from time to time. The Congress convened in the Capital last May to re-examine the status of various socio-political organizations of higher primates, in the context of long-standing demands of some of the leaders of these organizations concerning the acceptance of higher primates in the service of the State as full members of the Party before the Plutonium Anniversary CL Supreme Congress, which will convene in eight years. The so-called scientific arguments against the demands of higher primates had long been defeated by the Party’s scientific institutions, and especially by the Academy of the Supreme Central Committee, where it had been conclusively demonstrated that the Party Program and Statute, as well as the resolutions on Party policy, were well within the intellectual and other capabilities of higher primates. The opposition was henceforth prevented from dissemination of its harmful pre-scientific views. Nevertheless, the problem remained unresolved until this Congress, when the steadfast endeavors of Comrade Director of the Higher Primate Political School, who has been the Chairman of the Ideological Commission of the Supreme Politburo for the past fourteen years, resulted in a decision of the Supreme Politburo itself. The question of the party status of higher primates was thus put on the agenda.

The appearance of Comrade Director at the Fourth Session of the CXLVIII Supreme Congress of our Party was regarded by everyone as a great honor and privilege. It is common knowledge that he has been a Party member since the age of three, which has been regarded as the most outspoken testimony to his revolutionary fervor and élan. His words and deeds have always been a glaring beacon to our youth. It is well known that he has valued very highly the political activity of the youngest generation of Party members, as he often actively participated in the Congresses of the Kindergarten Alliance, as well as the plenary sessions of the Kindergarten Alliance’s Central Committee, the leading body of the Baby Party, as it is affectionately called by our people. His ability to impart Party morale and discipline even to members at the pre-verbal stage of political development has been highly regarded and praised by all. It has also been recognized that his involvement with the youngest generation was directly related to his later pioneering work with higher primates.

For these and many other reasons, Comrade Director of the Higher Primate Political School received a warm welcome as he was preparing to deliver his speech to the Congress. On this occasion, as numerous times in the past, comrades Delegates applauded for more than an hour. When the applause abated, he said with his customary simplicity and revolutionary modesty: “Comrades Delegates, it is high time that we accept the fact that our Party has grown to its present size and glory from the unyielding application of one simple principle: Everyone shall become a member sooner or later. I ask you now, comrades, why do we hesitate to extend this principle to our closest relatives, the higher primates? Why do we hesitate to implement the spirit of Party policy itself?” After a short pause pregnant with expectations, he continued: “Comrades, I think that I can tell you why. In my opinion, which is supported by considerable scientific evidence, some comrades are afraid for their positions in the Party. The main reasons for the present situation is that these comrades are apprehensive that higher primates are potentially superior as Party members. In short, there is a kind of jealousy here, which most of us are unwilling to admit, but which has been uncovered and documented by scientific research.” He paused again. The audience was exceptionally attentive, as everyone expected that something of historical significance would take place. “Comrades Delegates,” he continued quietly, “this jealousy is unjustified, however. There is absolutely no reason why the higher primates would be more devoted members of our Party. This belief is a result of the same old prejudice, but this time in reversed form. That has been shown by modern science as well. My exhaustive report on this topic will be made available to you presently. I therefore wish to say only the following: The equality of Man and Ape should be introduced as one of the Basic Principles of our Party, as an expression of our latest scientific and political endeavors in this field. Only in this spirit, comrades, can we hope to solve problems such as those that arose in the southern provinces a couple of years ago, the so-called unrest in our vital mining regions, and related matters. Long live the Party of unity, equality, and brotherhood! Thank you, comrades.” As he was leaving the platform, the Congress applauded with enthusiasm. Many comrades had tears in their eyes. Even then it was clear to everyone that the subject was closed.

When Comrade Third Secretary for Higher Primates announced a representative of the recently formed Trade Union of Higher Primates, a highly regarded Party Candidate, the Congress quieted down again. He could hardly find the appropriate symbols to express his admiration for Comrade Director, whom he had known personally for many years. His short address was interrupted numerous times by warm applause of support and appreciation. After a brief recess, the Congress unanimously adopted the Resolution drafted by the Supreme Presidium and circulated before the Congress. As always, the Party was monolithic. Higher primates were finally accepted into our ranks, after many decades of indecision and vacillation in some circles.

Quite naturally, the enthusiastic welcome of higher primates is understandable against the background of the new hopes and expectations concerning the further victories of the Party-building policy. The road has been finally opened by the CXLVIII Supreme Congress for the lower primates as well, and we may envisage that one day many other species of domestic animals will also have an opportunity to join the Party. This prospect cannot fail to evoke the most fervent enthusiasm of our people, who have enjoyed the privileges of Party membership for centuries. Long live the Party of unity, equality, and brotherhood of all species that will contribute to the glory of the Revolution!

Addendum I (February 4, 2000)

If this spoof is about anything in particular, it is about the inability of the so-called dissidents to imagine a world without the Soviet Union. To wit, in the world without the Soviet Union there would be no dissidents. Worse, there would be no need for dissidents. The horror!

Addendum II (February 1, 2013)

In retrospect, I was surprisingly negligent of China in 2000. It is still around, and its Party’s (sic) Plutonium Anniversary is still way ahead. The so-called dissidents are also around to this day. And they are growing in number in the largest country in the world. There must be millions of them already. By now, there are artists among them, as well. At any rate, a world without China is still difficult to imagine. Lucky dissidents, indeed!