I ruminate about the end of the world as we know it often enough, and quite a few of my pieces of writing are dedicated to this subject the last decade or maybe two. My thoughts focus on the big picture, though: economic crisis, famine, epidemics, migrations, wars, and the like. For my sins, I rarely, if ever, think about myself under dire circumstances that are surely to follow sooner or later. Indeed, what shall I do when the shit hits the fan? A good question, this. Actually, a perfectly rational question given all the givens! And it has crossed my mind out of the blue only a short while ago. That is, nothing special has happened to make me think about such mindboggling things. I was surprised at first, but then I decided to spend some time ruminating about it. After all, paying attention to one’s own life is one’s topmost duty. No matter how important the big picture, the nuts and bolts of one’s existence must never be shoved aside.

The first thing that comes to my mind is fortifying my house in Motovun. There is one large window facing the street that would need to be walled over. For this venture I would need someone’s professional help, and I would also need a good amount of stone and everything needed to make sturdy mortar. Also, I would need to return to my garden in order to grow essential food, such as potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, onions, and so on. Finding the right seeds would take quite an effort, for most of the seeds available as of late do not last longer than a few years. Their producers around the world made sure that they would need to be purchased over and over again. On top of that, I would need to figure out how to save water, for the pipes that bring it to the top of the Motovun hill would undoubtedly run dry fast enough. Similarly, living without electricity would require serious rethinking. I would need alternative sources of light, to be sure.

The next thoughts revolve around a quick departure from my last hometown. I would need to get to the airport in Pula or maybe Trieste, and I would need to figure out where to fly. Great Britain is the first country that comes to my mind. I have a British passport, and the flight would be on the short side. The only trouble is that I have no-one in that country to help me along in difficult times. I could try to get some kind of shelter on account of my advanced age, but chances are that this would not take me too far. Of course, I could eventually fly from Britain to the United States, where I have three children from two marriages. My British passport would most likely work one more time. My children would help me find a shelter, all right, but they would be up shit creek themselves. Under dire circumstances, I would feel rather uncomfortable adding to their miseries.

And the last thing that crosses my mind is suicide. But this is far from an easy way out, either. If I would wish to drink a powerful poison, where would I find it? Jumping from a tall building is always an option, but how to get into such a building without arousing suspicion? After some thought, I realized that I could plunge myself onto my Japanese sword if nothing else would work. Of course, the remaining question is exactly when to go for such an easy way out, as it were? In other words, how much misery should I dare live through before going for a quick way out? Answers to questions like these are nigh impossible to come up with way in advance. All I can do at present is think through the available options without any perplexing detail.

In retrospect, I am far from pleased with my ruminations about my own response to horrors ahead. Everything that I have considered in the last hour or so is way too superficial for my own taste. The only solace from this exercise is that I have finally come up with some serious thoughts about my own life once the shit hits the fan at long last. In my mind, this is a huge step forward, and I welcome it with gusto. Time and again, I think about dire times to come without any consideration of my own circumstances, let alone my own remaining options. In this sense, this piece of writing is the first step in the right direction, I reckon. As such, it is more than welcome. The best I can do right now is to promise myself that I will not neglect this particular piece of writing in the years to come. I must return to it often enough to sharpen my thoughts about the best way forward. Neglecting oneself in times as tumultuous as these is nothing if not foolish. In fact, ridiculous to boot.